The Romantic Side of CouchSurfing
We’ve been carrying on a long distance relationship, myself in San Francisco, California and him in Rome, Italy. Earlier this year I made Rome my home base as I traveled solo around Italy and to Egypt, Spain, and England. We didn’t meet at that time, but he took a leap of faith and planned a trip to stay with me in San Francisco for two weeks five months after our initial email. Before this year is over I will be taking another trip to Rome and we’ll be taking a trip to Morocco together. He already has his flights booked for a second trip to San Francisco two months after my trip in Rome. So how did this all happen? CouchSurfing.
Their website promotes the site as, ”…a worldwide network for making connections between travelers and the local communities they visit.” Whenever I introduce the site to the uninitiated, I always mention the ability to meet people from different cultures who like to share their experiences, but to anyone who has used the site, it is obvious there is another side of CouchSurfing that isn’t as overt, but just as fun. It is the side where personal romantic relationships develop between host and surfer.
I have a friend who prefers to date women who he meets off of CouchSurfing to any other means of meeting women. He says there is an automatic sense of connection because the site attracts travelers who are open to adventures, after all, not everyone is willing to stay on the couch of a stranger half way around the world. He tells me the women he meets have had more experiences and are more interesting than the women who live where he lives in Miami, Florida.
I personally can’t judge him for that since my track record of dates have almost always taken place in other countries with men who may or may not speak English as a first language. And from my own experiences staying with strangers on CouchSurfing, there is usually an element of romantic sparks. Other CouchSurfers that I know have admitted to the inherent romantic side effects that happen when two attractive travelers meet in person.
Still, others have recounted horror stories of sexual mishap due to one participant’s misunderstanding of the other participant’s intentions. I still laugh at the story of the angry Polish girl who undressed herself and waited naked in my Egyptian friend’s bed. Let’s just say there was rejection, a lot of dramatic crying, and then sweet words of praise when it came time for her to leave him a reference.
Most tryst are short lived, some may never be consummated, still other people, like myself, have mainly used CouchSurfing to find a friendly face when in a new country and discovered some of the most generous and genuine people that would be hard to meet through sheer serendipity. So the fact that I met my current boyfriend from CouchSurfing does come as a bit of surprise for me, because from what I’ve seen, mostly what happens on CouchSurfing rarely leaves “one trip stand” status.
I left Rome after just over a month of travel and instead of indulging in jet lag mandated sleep, I decided to write back all the request to meet for coffee or a drink, thanking them for the offer while letting them know I was no longer in Egypt and Italy (the two countries I’ve been to with the most prolific unsolicited request to meet). As I finished replying to the most recent request, sent to me while I was in flight, I noticed the sender was cute. I admit, yes, I am shallow, I like attractive men.
I clicked on his profile and read about his love of skydiving and scuba diving, and being impulsive, I sent him a second message saying it was too bad we didn’t meet because it looked like we had a lot of the same interest. I would later learn of his wish to go to Beirut for his next trip, which coincided with my obsession with exploring more of the Middle East, and we bonded over our love of train travel, nerd level interest in learning new languages, and ability to quote, “The Simpsons”.
There is a point to all of this and here it is. It is no surprise that a site created to connect travelers has quickly become a dating site for them as well. When we travel we meet other people with similar outlooks on life and a similar lust for experience. When I’m not traveling I am enjoying the company of my diverse groups of friends, but I’ll be honest, I rarely date while in San Francisco. After a particular dating binge, I started feeling like all my dates were the same date repeating itself, only with a different man each time, inevitably there would always be something missing.
We would start on the topic of travel and after briefly mentioning a trip or two, it was guaranteed I would hear come out of their lips the deal breaker, “I wish I could travel.” It is such a turn off to hear someone say that because there is nothing about my life that makes it so I have more opportunity to travel, the only difference is I make travel a priority and I find it as laziness for someone to “wish” and not take action. I know my fellow travelers find the same difficulty in meeting a date that can relate, and one who wants the same kind of lifestyle travelers are attracted to, so even though CouchSurfing did not start as a way for travelers to find dates with people in diverse cultures around the world, it has a welcomed side affect that the founders may consider promoting.
Tiffany
20 comments
Yeah it’s definitely the side of Couchsurfing no one talks about. I don’t know if they should promote it as a lot of women are timid enough about joining.
I’ve certainly met people I connected with and others that I had to play dumb because they wanted to be more of a host than I wanted them to be :)
Tiffany, there’s a very good reason why CouchSurfing will never be promoted as a “dating site”. Same reason why Match.com will never have a “Couch available” option – Safety.
Just because you may be attracted to someone’s online persona doesn’t mean that there will be attraction in person.
But sure, you’re more likely to be attracted to people who share the same interests. So if it happens organically, that’s awesome. That’s why even Flickr has meetups.
My justification to the uninitiated about CouchSurfing is that it is far from a dating service – although it’s amazing when things happen naturally I’m sure (case in point, Tiffany).
I hope all the people who have slept on my couches in Glasgow and in Calgary have not searched me out trying to hook up – but rather for an interest in my stories and personality.
And I’v met some amazing people….. some I keep as close friends (Hejorama team!!!!).
Great article.
Couchsurfing is NOT intended for dating, and while that’s lovely that you met someone you love through the site, hosts and surfers should not couchsurf with romantic intentions in mind, it just makes people uncomfortable and is potentially very unsafe! Within the CS community, using the site for dating purposes is a big NO.
A sweet and surprising story, Tiffany. It had never occurred to me to see couch surfing in that way, so thanks for opening my eyes.
Great article, Tiffany!
I know what you mean about the whole dating element. I’m a member of the Queer CS group and, these days, a lot of gay guys seem to use the site as a means to find dates or hook-ups.
In the CS rules it’s a big “no-no” to use the site solely for the purpose of dating. However, I agree that travellers are more likely to find guys they connect with through the site. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read profiles and been like, “if only he lived here!” whilst being too broke to travel. Luckily, I found my sweetheart here in South Korea and he has the same outlook on life as me – so all is good!
I LOLd about the Polish girl getting naked in the Egyptian guy’s bed – this is what happens if you expect to get sex from the encounter! Sex or dating should never be an expectation prior to physically meeting the host/surfer.
I liked this article a lot, as it got me thinking. I am a huge sucker for travelers, as they, like you say here, have the same sense of adventure as me. I’ve dated guys I’ve met in a variety of ways, from tweet-ups to Twitter, etc. But I think I might draw the line at actually thinking of a service that brings strangers into my home as a dating site of any kind. I am very strict when it comes to safety issues, including with services that might seem innocuous, like Skype. Still, this got me thinking. Loved the narrative.
ah haha i LOVE this post. been meaning to write something quite similar, ever since i’ve had a rather lovely encounter with a hot norwegian guy last summer whom i met off of couchsurfing. thanks for sharing!
ps: did u make all those graphics? they’re AMAZING!
Thanks! Yes all the graphics were made by Romain from Cosmo Sapiens, the sister design agency of Hejorama.
Great article!
I have couch surfed a few times with a close friend, and loved the experience and the folks I met. Though, I can definitely see how people may use this service for a chance at romantic encounters; makes me wonder why my boyfriend only ever couch surfs with female hosts…hmmm.
Awesome post, Tiffany! I’m on couch surfing myself and my profile name is healthguy. I’ve hosted several guests myself and although I’ve never slept with anyone I’ve hosted, I’ll admit that there was indeed mutual attraction with some of them who sadly only confessed their feelings via email after returning home to their respective countries.
It would be awesome to hear from you. I’m a Fitness Professional from South Africa and you can invite me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/vivadiebokke
I updated my profile to say that I was in Moscow for a month (considering couchsurfing in the Golden Ring cities), and two suspiciously attractive Russian girls soon contacted me, proposing Coffee or a Drink, or just sightseeing. I can’t help but notice that they are both from provincial cities with not much of an economy. I am excited to meet people and practice the language, but I’m not single, and it makes me wonder if we are going to be on the same page.
bonjour
Hi
I’m Couchsurfer and i’m here to tell you that I have known my husband there. He was my first guest. It was amazing but the program shouldn’t use for dating or relationship because is very difficult to share each other.
Bye
Dani
I’m CS from Maldives. GREAT article.
Oh my god what you said in the end, about the “I wish I could travel” turn-off? I FEEL THE SAME WAY!! Not only about traveling but in general the whole “I wish I could” excuse bugs me SO much. In my case it applies not only to traveling but concert-going. You know, those people who are self-acclaimed music fans, that really like this band that I love, and when said band comes to our country, they don’t go. Fair enough, not everyone is into the loud experience of live concerts, but after I end up almost always going alone, hearing the huge amount of people tell me “oh you’re so lucky you got to go” has to be one of the most annoying things ever. Like, I didn’t get a ticket for free, I bought it, you have the same (or sometimes even more) money as me, and you had no work or anything keeping you from going. So don’t call me “lucky” because I act on what I want.
Same goes for traveling , obviously. “I wish I could travel more”. Oh shut up. You just like saying that traveling is one of your passions when in reality the only trips you went to were either with your parents or in school, and you’d much rather spend your money buying new shoes or a fancy car or going out every night. Me, I like to save every penny and make traveling a priority. If you make more money than me, and have more privilege financially speaking, don’t say I’m “lucky” if when the chance comes I have like 50 or 70 euros to buy a two-way ticket from Ryanair. It’s literally that cheap.
SO yeah, not traveling at all when you say you want to and there’s really nothing stopping you, is laziness.
About the “love side of couchsurfing”, I’ve only had one couchsuring experience so far and I ended up falling in love with my host. Luckily the feeling was mutual and while nothing happened on the 3 day trip, we’ve been chatting every day and have plans to meet up again, either in his country or mine. Fingers crossed :)
Are you two still together now?
update on my own comment! Ive since become a frequent couchsurfer, and Im still together with my first host whom I fell in love with! We live together now (in his country) and couchsurf together sometimes. Yay!